I have to do it for Me

New post

http://marleehereprivate.blogspot.com

If you'd like an invite to my blog, please email at

marleehere(at)gmail(dot)com

Would this be helpful?

Since I've gone private, I thought I would post a link here so friends will know when I have a new post up.

http://marleehereprivate.blogspot.com/2013/07/update.html

Marlee

My Thoughts on Blogging

I like being a part of this circle.  I like knowing other WOPAs and making connections.  I thought when I started this blog I would share my insights and path to healing.  It could maybe help someone else to find healing too. But the problem is, I'm often discouraged and don't have so many great insights to share.  So I don't blog.  And then I don't make connections.  And I get stuck in isolation.  I know some of you much better than you know me, because you eloquently share and I remain silent.  How can I call that a meaningful friendship? I know lots of you and even have a handful of numbers saved in my phone.  But I never call to reach out because I figure that someone is probably too busy.  

I'd like to turn over a new leaf and become more active in our circle of WOPAs, but I think I need to modify HOW I blog.  I'm going to try an experiment: going private. I'm hopeful that if I know and trust my readers I will be more willingly to be vulnerable and really share what is going on in my life.  I've given up on the idea of being some recovery star that has lots of wisdom to share with an unknown audience.  I want to be real, but in a safe place.  I'd like to trade anonymity for meaningful connections.  If you will email me, marleehere (at) gmail, I'll send you an invite to the new blog.  I'm going to leave this blog open because I'd always like to make new friends.  So regardless of when you read this post, feel free to contact me.  I'm no expert at recovery, but I understand the pain of being a WOPA.  See you soon on the "safe side."

Marlee

Understanding Him a Little Bit Better

For the last few weeks I've been determined to eat well.  I'm staying away from sweets  and refined carbs.  I'm also working to get everyone around here to eat more fruits and vegetables.  Overall it's a lifestyle choice that I like so it hasn't been too hard.  But yesterday I had an off morning with some friends and I came home from my morning at the park feeling emotionally unstable.  I had a huge urge to dive into the pantry and self sooth with comfort foods.  I wanted to eat away that nagging feeling that I was not as good as the other ladies I had been hanging out with.  I wanted to eat my out of feeling hurt.  Cognitively I could see where I was at.  I knew if I ate it would be out of an emotional craving, not out of actual hunger, and I was determined to not give in.  I worked around it by playing a few songs on the piano, looking around the web a bit, trying to take a nap, and sadly sisters in the end, I gave in.  I was so bugged that I couldn't feel better on my own, that after 40 minutes or so I went to the pantry and deliberately grabbed as many triscuits as I could hold in my hot little hands.  I knew I was choosing to escape through food rather than deal with my emotions, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore.

Ok, so big deal.  But it taught me some compassion and I could see how when my husband feels those emotional voids, how the urge to just "make it all go away" could be so tempting.  He has told me about how he fights, fights, and fights, but the urges eventually wear him down.  I don't think it justifies his behavior, but it helps me see into his struggle a little bit better. One day at a time.

It's Been One of Those Days

Today was hard. I took the day to feel my emotions and didn't try to rush past the sadness.  By the end of the day I was ready to move past it, but felt stuck.  You know how it is, right?

I listened to a interview by Sheri Dew on the Mormon Channel to escape reality just a little longer and found a gem of advice perfect for me at that moment.  Just as the interviewer is winding down things she asks Sheri,

Heidi Swinton: If you today could counter the voices that are out there telling women , “Do this; Do that; Look at it this way; Look at it that way; Dress this way; Dress that way; Live here; Live there -- All of the voices that are trying to command the Lord’s daughters on earth today—What would you tell them?

Sheri Dew: I would probably say to them, that if they really want to be happy and to feel a sense of peace about their lives that the only way to do that is to find out what God has in store for them. 

HS: It’s that simple.

SD: Where does Heavenly Father want me to be? What does He want me to do? I get questions all of the time.  'Please talk to my daughter cause she’s not married yet either'…and that’s probably an obvious target for someone because they see that I’m not married yet, but the bottom line is that everyone of us, everyone of us, has heartbreaks. That we have to deal with.  Or disappointments that frankly it just doesn’t feel like we’ve gotten an answer yet from the Lord.  We’ve prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and we don’t yet know the answers.  That’s a common thing of the human experience.  Disappointment, loneliness, pain, heartbreak: we are all going to have some degree of it.  And the only solution to any of that is, Am I where the Lord want me to be? Am I doing what He wants me to do? That’s what brings peace.  That’s what brings confidence. 

With those simple questions I was able to shift my focus from sorrow about my husband's choices, to pondering my own position in the Lord's eyes.  Have I followed the Lord's promptings? Am I where I need to be?  Am I learning the lessons He is tailoring for me? That shift in perspective helped so much.

I also appreciated her perspective on the universality of heartbreak. Sometime I get so down and feel like my lot in life is overly difficult.  But I could see through her words, though the trial changes for each one of us, the feeling of heartbreak -- soul sobbing, gut wrenching, disappointment or hurt -- is central to our existence on earth.  That is why Christ said He came to heal the broken hearted. 

I hope if you are having one of those days, you can find peace from her words too.

Detach

 

I've read a lot about detaching, but I've never felt that I've done it really well.  I know I can't fix my husband, but I've never been able to free myself from the mental angst and sorrow that comes with his addiction.  I can tell myself to detach, but I have a hard time not reacting to things he does.  To me, detaching has always been trying to move away from his issues, sometimes mentally, sometimes physically.  To detach I avoid calling to check up on him, or look for activities that I can do on my own like playing the piano or scrapbooking.  But the bottom line is, I don't feel happy when I am distant from my husband.  Detaching has meant that I avoid him, again mentally or physically.  

This week we had a conversation that made me think all along I've gotten it wrong.  Here's how it went down.  I was frustrated with my husband over some time management issues. He's a grad student, so he sets his schedule and hours, but seeing as there are five of us living on a grad school stipend, I am highly motivated for him to make progress on his research and graduate on time.  I was leaving for the afternoon and didn't want to go feeling frustrated with him, so I brought the subject to a head. 

"Why do you think you can just read your book all morning?"

I felt like a nag.  I felt like I was putting my nose in his business.  And I felt like I was NOT detached. 

I continued to articulate how I was feeling.  I worry that his procrastination will come back to bite me when he has to put in extra hours a few days down the road and I have to pick up his slack at home. I worry about vulnerability to porn when he is stressed and tired.  I told him how I felt like I was working hard, and he should be too.  There was a moment of pause while he took it all in. I started to feel guilty and finished up with this eloqent closing statement, 

"Well, aren't you upset at me? After all, I've been attacking you!"

He didn't deny that he felt defensive, but he helped me see that he truly does want to know how I feel.  He said that telling him how I feel is ok, as long as I am not telling him WHAT he should do.  We talked about how me bottling up my emotions when I am feeling upset about things is not detaching, it is isolating.  And isolation is a huge trigger for both of us.  When we are emotionally distant I start to mentally exaggerate his crimes against me.  I get a visit from my neighbor insanity and we throw a pity party.  For him, isolation fuels his addiction.  He escapes that pang of loneliness through the balm of instant gratification. 

I do need to detach.  And I hope to get better at it, but detaching from my husband hasn't seemed to help either one of us.  I hope that detaching from how my husband chooses to solve his problems will be healthy for me.  We are married, our lives intertwine in hundreds of ways.  Yet, he and I are dynamic individuals that need to feel space to exert our agency.  And I hope that as we work together as a couple to stay connected, individually we will be motivated take care of ourselves.

H.A.L.T.

 

Today at therapy we talked about an old AA strategy called H.A.L.T.  The idea is that the addict will more likely act out when Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I think it's a good idea to put in the addict's arsenal of tools, but I want to focus on what I learned on how it applies to me. 

My codependency really flares up when I find out my own discovery or my husband's confession that my husband acted out.  I suppose someday if he reaches a few months of sobriety, there would be other things that could trigger me, but right now I do just fine unless I find out that he's slipped again. And if he slips in rapid fire succession,  I fall progressively harder with each new slip.  I feel overwhelmingly sad, don't want to face the needs of my kids, eat junk food, and allow my thoughts to cycle endlessly on the same cycle of, "I'll show him.  I don't deserve this.  I'm leaving."  From my perspective it seemed that none of the HALT symptoms applied to my cycle of emotions. After some discussion, I realized when my husband acts out, I feel lonely.  I feel like he abandoned me.  I translate his acting out as a departure from our relationship.  I agonize over the part of him that overrides his commitment to me.  I hate that he can push aside thoughts of how this will affect me, and click his way to indulgence.  And in the end, I feel disconnected and lonely.  

Although my usual pattern is to keep my distance for a day or two until I soften, I think the better route might be to seek for re-connection right away.  If I am lonely, I want to try to remedy that emotion by telling my husband exactly how I feel and doing what I can to connect again.  Another option is to try to connect with a friend or make a phone call to ease the loneliness.  Those will temporary solutions, but they can help until I can mend my most intimate relationship.  

Therapy Musings

G and I started therapy together.  I've pushed for this for a long time, but it's finally happening!  We are two sessions in and I thought it would be good to journal some of my thoughts about what I am learning in the hopes of internalizing more.

As we began talking J. began giving us some ideas on how to keep our connection strong.  She mentioned buying a journal that each of us grabs and jots down a note when we are feeling love and/or gratitude.  The journal becomes a place to give and receive appreciation.  Second she suggested "eye gaze".  Each day you simply look into each other's eyes for around a minute and feel the connection.  As J. prescribed these ideas, I began to feel nervous.  I explained to her that in the past when I have invested in our relationship, it has made his slips even harder on me.  The more I work to have a strong, spiritually healthy marriage, the more it hurts when he takes a dip in porn.  From my time in 12 steps, I've learned it's best for me to keep my distance and allow him to find ways to work on his own recovery.  Her response was this: Marriage is a "container" for family.  And likewise our relationship, is a "container" for  G. to pick himself up when he falls.  During the session I didn't make a lot of sense of her analogy, but after further reflection and discussion with G. I think I understand.

It seemed to click for me when I thought about the container in terms of the parent/child relationship. Take this scenario --  two parents work their very best to provide a loving home, a good education, and teach their kids morals like hard work and honesty.  Despite their best efforts, one of their children rejects their teachings and chooses another lifestyle. Although the parents will likely question themselves and assume blame, from an outside perspective, it is clear that the child simply choose to walk away from the constructs placed around him/her.  It is not the parent's "fault." On the other hand, if two parents have a difficult marriage and separate, it will likely take a toll on their children and problems like depression, anxiety, or addictions may occur.  A strong marriage "container" isn't a guarantee that no family problems will arise, but a weak "container" is a pretty good way to predict there WILL be problems. 

 So it goes with us, my husband and I are individuals, but working on our relationship.  A strong relationship doesn't mean that G. will never act out again, but a weak relationship will surely send him out in search of his addiction to help him fill the void.  So why work on or relationship if it doesn't ensure recovery?  Because I am happiest when my husband and I are talking, laughing, and spiritually bonded together.  I need to shift my goal so that I recognize the goal of working on our marriage is simply a good marriage.  Not a cured addict.  Of course an addict in recovery would do a world of good for our relationship, but that's not within my power to change.  I can only make the relationship stronger so that both of us can live and make choices as individuals in a safe place.

Capturing my Insanity

My insanity knocks on my door early in the morning.  I open the door and stall, hoping she won't want to come in, but she pushes past me and parks it on the couch. 

"Have a seat dear. We need to talk."

And I realize that I'm not going to get anything done today, because she is like the guest that just won't leave.  I should ask her to leave. Why can't I tell her that today is not good for me? I have things to do.  And yet, somehow I end up joining her in the living room.  I slowly sink down next to her on the couch, and her monologue begins.  Dishes wait, my shower waits, and my kids run around crazy in their pajamas as I listen and nod, listen and nod, listen and nod.  

"He is never going to change you know. He is going to keep doing this forever.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment -- you've been cheated." 

Tears well up in my eyes as I look over at her.  Her life is perfect.  There she is with her 1950's style dress, pearls, heels, and perfectly manicured hair.  It's like she stepped out of a Time Life Magazine a half a century ago and came straight over to inform me of all the woes in my life.

"Remember when you used to be happy? Why do you put up with his crap?  Why don't you show him!  Do something drastic.  Leave.  Get in the car and leave.  That'll show him.  You'll be miserable if you leave, but at least he will get what is coming.  Did you ever imagine how many tears he would make you cry?  He doesn't love you!  He is a liar! People don't hurt the ones they love over and over again.  Your life is hopeless. He will NEVER change."

She uses the words "never" and "always" like they are going out of style. She has hair that HAS gone out of style.  It's curls around the nape her neck in an unnatural tube and it's so stiff it looks like she could walk through a wind tunnel without a single hair going astray. I'm assuming she prefers glasses to contacts because those glasses exude her wisdom and life experience. Those thick, black, almond shaped glasses that snarl, "I am intelligent! You must listen to me!" It's like she hides behind them as she continues her tirade, "What kind of life is this? Call the Bishop, asked to be released.  How can you teach a class when you are a wreck. Your life is a sham.  Everyone thinks your family is perfect.  But you and I know the truth.  The truth is your family is falling apart and there is nothing you can do to save it. Give up."

The awful part about her visits is no matter how many problems she points out,  she never offers solutions.  And come to think of it, she never offers any empathy.  And I realize, she has never gone through this.  She has never gone through anything anything remotely close to this! She is unmarried, no children, and her lack of experience and intimacy has somehow entitled her to all the right answers.  Her world is all hopes and dreams and what "ought" to be.  She insists my life should be perfect too. 

I pick myself up off the couch and walk over to the sink.  She trails me, "You know you are real sucker to stay with him.  Cooking meals for him.  Folding his laundry.  He gets to live it up while he's away and then come home to a hot dinner, a loving wife, and kids who jump and squeal when he walks through the door.  Why should he live like a King and treat you like the slave?" Somehow I manage to ignore her to start moving through my routine.  I tackle my son to change his diaper and when I snuggle his neck and tickle his round belly his laughter drowns out her voice.  She is still talking, but the words seem fainter.  I dress my kids, throw myself in the shower, and obnoxiously she starts yelling at me through the shower curtain. 

"Have I mentioned he is not going to change? That there is no hope?"  She seems annoyed that I'm not giving her more attention.  I step out of the shower and pass her by, hoping she'll pass me by and be on her way.  As I open my recovery manual and begin to read, it's like I shut the door on her. She can't come in my sanctuary.  I feel peace, relief, and hope once again.  Words from experts, apostles, and sisters who have walked this path before me tell me that there IS hope. I can change who I am.  And I have a Savior who wants to save me!

Some days I walk out of my bedroom and she is gone.  Other days she sort of lingers with me and passively murmurs her complaints as I go about my business.  I hope that as my recovery progresses, I'll stay alert and keep her out on the front porch knocking.  I'll hide under a blanket with my kids and hope that after she peers through the windows looking for me, she'll give up and walk away.  But if I'm weak and I let her in, I'll know who she is, and what she is: my insanity.  Just as I invited her in, I can ask her to leave.  A friend of mine said her grandma had a trick to get rid of long staying guests.  When Grandma tired of her guests she started to talk about the gospel.  The guests got uncomfortable and quickly made excuses to leave.  I think I'll try that strategy next time insanity come for a visit.  I let you know how it works out.

Co-dependent, who me?

I've been doing 12 step stuff for about a year and half now.  I've been learning about addiction and co-dependency even longer.  And I still kinda wince when I hear the term co-dependent.  It may be because I'm prideful, but I just don't like having a label attached to me implying that things are wrong.  As I've thought about it recently, I've been wondering if nearly everyone here on this big old earth isn't co-dependent? Seriously, who isn't affected by another's behavior? When I was a young newly wed, I was blissfully happy due to the all the nice and wonderful things my new husband did for me. Nobody shouted, "Co-dependent! Stop being happy! He is making you happy! You need to make your own happiness!" It was only when a huge problem came out, and his behavior made me sad instead of happy, that my new identity as a "co-dependent" emerged. All of a sudden, I found out that I had relied on my husband for too much of my happiness. I needed to reach within and find myself and my own happiness again.

A friend recently asked, "could my husband be co-dependent too?" And my answer was, "Yes, your husband is co-dependent.  And so is your friend in your ward and your sister and your cousin. And I bet none of them are even married to porn addicts."

We come to earth to find and form families, to make friendships, and to love our neighbor. It's a HUGE balancing act to figure out how to make and maintain close relationships in this life, but then not lean too heavily on those same relationships to the point that we lose our own identity and reliance on our Savior.  It isn't just a problem that happens to WOPAs or any addict's loved ones for that matter.  I believe codependency is the trial of learning how to not lean on the arm of flesh, of trusting God above man. I think ALL mortals must face it. For a long time, I've worn a "scarlet C" on my forehead and wondered how I wound up a co-dependent. Now I see it as a natural part of mortality, and in God's life sketch for me I was awarded a crash course in overcoming the arm of flesh.  (And let me say, I still CRASH a lot!) Given my circumstances I've needed extra help, and so I'm blessed with tools and vocabulary to face this challenge head on. Others -- who may not have an urgent need like mine -- also need to learn to love God above all else and find their own happiness.  Maybe they become aware of it more gradually.

I've worn my scarlet C with shame at times, and at other times with pride, because I've become aware of destructive behaviors within myself and I've learned how to step above them.  I'm learning to love God and myself above all else and though it's hard, it's happening.  And I'm very grateful for that.