Do you ever talk to imaginary friends? I do. I give them advice, in fact. Sometimes I want so much to pass on what I've learned about surviving a pornography addiction that I preach a sermon to someone in my head. Someone new to the problem, someone who could avoid so many of the mistakes I've made.
A few days ago, a friend on the Hope and Healing Forum asked the question, "Why would God let me marry him?" I think nearly all of us have asked that question, and God has answered it for each of us in unique ways. But the question reminded me of one of my imaginary conversations. The one where I talk to a girl who just got engaged. And she just found out through her finance's own admission, that he once had "a problem" with pornography. She's shocked, she's scared, and she is wondering, what should I do now? Here's what I would tell her:
This road hasn't been easy, but I am glad that I married G because he is who I love. I
wouldn't change who I married. But there is one thing I wish I could
go back in time and change. It was the day after we had the "the
talk." The one where he told me he'd had issues with pornography in his
youth, he'd repented and it was long over. I spent that day deep in thought and prayed a lot. It seemed like a scary admission, but it flew in the face of everything else I knew about him and so it wasn't very hard to dismiss. After one day of soul searching, I was ready to fall back into his arms and move forward with
our wedding plans. Here's what future me would say to past me, "I know
you love him and want to ride off into the sunset with your prince. I
know how he makes you laugh and all the good emotions that wash over you
the second you see his face. He told you it's no longer a problem and
you believe him. Your heart is good and you want to trust him. His heart
is good and he wants to keep this evil out of his life forever. But
his involvement with pornography was part of a compulsive behavior. It
falls in the realm of addiction, and this realm is like nothing you've ever
experienced before. The atonement is real, and you can believe him when he says he repented and he is clean. But his sincerity and your love
will not shield you from the addiction returning. There are layers of
complexity to unravel and it is simply not a problem that if you pray
harder and read your scriptures more diligently, it will all go away.
Before you move forward in this engagement, you must see a counselor.
Someone who is trained in addiction recovery and can give you all the
information you need to stay ahead of this beast. He or she will help
you prepare for this new life, should you choose to follow this path.
The path ahead won't be awful. If you have the right tools, addiction
can be overcome! There can and will be love without measure, beautiful
children, and the light of the gospel coupled with Christ's love. Don't
walk away from your dreams of a happy ending, but don't hide in the
shadow of ignorance either. Talk to your parents, your bishop, and your
Savior. Gather your courage to tell your fiancee that although you
believe him that his sins are in the past, you want to see a counselor
together. You don't doubt his sincerity, you simply doubt his awareness
of how deep addiction runs. You can do this. You can still have the marriage you want. But be aware that the marriage you want may require some very specific instructions that you can only get from a professional. Hang in there friend, some of the best experiences of your life are just around the corner. And can I come to your
wedding? I'd love to experience that day all over again."
As a side note, I would also encourage every girl recently engaged to find out if her fiancee has had a problem with pornography in the past. It may be awkward to bring up, but the knowledge gained, regardless of his answer, will be absolutely worth it.
