Any fellow Seinfeld fans out there? Remember this one?
George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
Jerry :Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It
should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of
here!
Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a
real nut, you know that?"
I bring up this exchange because it makes me laugh, but more importantly, it provides a nice intro for my analogy where I suggest that addiction is like cancer. Yesterday I read an Ensign article on addiction and found myself pausing after I read this quote, "Addiction is often misunderstood, and some believe that if a person
would simply choose to recover or work harder at stopping, he or she
would be able to. But the nature of addiction—and all sin, for that
matter—is such that we cannot heal ourselves from it." The wheels in my mind starting going and I began to see how addiction is somewhat like a cancer. If someone is diagnosed with cancer, they simply can not heal by themselves. But perhaps in the early stages when they started feeling ill or had unusual symptoms, they thought, "Oh, I must have a virus. If I wait it out, it will go away." But when it became clear the symptoms were not going away on their own, they begin to think, "OK, I need to attack this flu head on. I'm getting 8 hours of sleep every night. And I'll eat right -- OJ and vitamins to boot!" But all of it is for naught, because nobody beats cancer on their own. No one. At some point the person sees that things are getting worse despite their best efforts, and they go to see a doctor. The best treatments are provided and if all goes right, miracles do happen and the awful cancer that is attacking the body is eradicated. Thankfully our world sees far more cancer survivors today than we used too.
I believe addiction likewise just can't be beat by giving it our best shot. If you know of someone who gave it up on their own, my guess is they were probably never truly addicted. Someone who is addicted knows it because they have already tried swearing it off, praying harder, going to the temple more, serving more, fasting more, but the addiction just keeps finding it's way back into their life. The situation just seems hopeless. And that is the point that when they finally seek help. When they realize, it won't go away, and they are miserable. So what do you do if your husband says, "Cancer? Get out of here! It's just a virus!" You say, "Fine then. If it's only a virus, then stop. From this moment on, the secrecy and pornography stop. If he can't (and I don't think it's too harsh to ask for internet histories or some type of proof positive, especially if he's been lying) then you have every right to insist that he start getting help from outside sources such as a counselor, bishop, 12-step group, or all of the above. Getting help doesn't negate his willpower or the power of the atonement, it is seeking the appropriate treatment for a specific problem. And while we are on this cancer analogy, I think it's important to note as wives we are not doctors! We are not recovering addicts, we have not been trained as therapists, and we do not know the answers. We may give it our best shot making all sorts of plans, rules and, heaven forbid, sticker charts, but in the end, we can't fix him. We will just be disappointed in him and moreover ourselves if we try.
Now taking my cancer analogy back to our world sisters, what does it all mean? Because we are not the cancer patient, right? Or are we? I think it stands to reasons that just as a spouse who lives with a smoker can get lung cancer, we too are now cancer patients so to speak. We can not heal ourselves. Only Christ can heal our aching hearts and He is working hard to get us the help and support we need. The church is establishing support groups for family members of addicted loved ones in many areas, and there are websites and blogs more numerous to count offering help. For me the biggest help has been finding help from other women who are going through the same challenge. Speaking freely about what is really happening in my life lifts a huge burden off my soul. I pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father, but He knows, sometimes I just need a girlfriend to talk to. If you are suffering silently, or even leaning on your husband for support, don't be afraid to reach out and make some connections. You'll be so glad you did!
