G and I started therapy together. I've pushed for this for a long time, but it's finally happening! We are two sessions in and I thought it would be good to journal some of my thoughts about what I am learning in the hopes of internalizing more.
As we began talking J. began giving us some ideas on how to keep our connection strong. She mentioned buying a journal that each of us grabs and jots down a note when we are feeling love and/or gratitude. The journal becomes a place to give and receive appreciation. Second she suggested "eye gaze". Each day you simply look into each other's eyes for around a minute and feel the connection. As J. prescribed these ideas, I began to feel nervous. I explained to her that in the past when I have invested in our relationship, it has made his slips even harder on me. The more I work to have a strong, spiritually healthy marriage, the more it hurts when he takes a dip in porn. From my time in 12 steps, I've learned it's best for me to keep my distance and allow him to find ways to work on his own recovery. Her response was this: Marriage is a "container" for family. And likewise our relationship, is a "container" for G. to pick himself up when he falls. During the session I didn't make a lot of sense of her analogy, but after further reflection and discussion with G. I think I understand.
It seemed to click for me when I thought about the container in terms of the parent/child relationship. Take this scenario -- two parents work their very best to provide a loving home, a good education, and teach their kids morals like hard work and honesty. Despite their best efforts, one of their children rejects their teachings and chooses another lifestyle. Although the parents will likely question themselves and assume blame, from an outside perspective, it is clear that the child simply choose to walk away from the constructs placed around him/her. It is not the parent's "fault." On the other hand, if two parents have a difficult marriage and separate, it will likely take a toll on their children and problems like depression, anxiety, or addictions may occur. A strong marriage "container" isn't a guarantee that no family problems will arise, but a weak "container" is a pretty good way to predict there WILL be problems.
So it goes with us, my husband and I are individuals, but working on our relationship. A strong relationship doesn't mean that G. will never act out again, but a weak relationship will surely send him out in search of his addiction to help him fill the void. So why work on or relationship if it doesn't ensure recovery? Because I am happiest when my husband and I are talking, laughing, and spiritually bonded together. I need to shift my goal so that I recognize the goal of working on our marriage is simply a good marriage. Not a cured addict. Of course an addict in recovery would do a world of good for our relationship, but that's not within my power to change. I can only make the relationship stronger so that both of us can live and make choices as individuals in a safe place.
