I'm a Californian. I'm a Mom. I'm a Wife of a porn addict, and I'm a Mormon.

Last Easter I went on Mormon.org and started tinkering with my not yet published profile page.  Funny thing is, I couldn't get past the title.  The instructions say,

 

"This is a short intro about you. Here’s an example: 'I grew up in Kenya. I started a school for orphans. I’m a Mormon.' Just like that, short and sweet."

I couldn't find anything short and sweet.  I've got the standard Mormon features - I'm a wife.  I'm a mom. I teach Gospel Doctrine.  I've even got a few that set me apart (a little)  -- I teach piano, I blog, I love philanthropy. But I couldn't write about the thing that gives my life a pretty distinct color; the trial that frames all my experiences right now. My husband is a pornography addict. Call me crazy, but I don't think that would work well on a website dedicated to missionary work. 

I've been in this boat for about six years. There's been ups and downs and a lot of frustration. We've searched for solutions in so many places. I have prayed and prayed for this trial to be taken away. Most of the time I've suffered in silence, sharing only with my husband, who I'll refer to as G.   It's been a lonely road, but slowly along the way I've found resources to help and most importantly, other women to talk to!  About a month ago, I came across a online forum for LDS women dealing with the hurt of pornography. Through that site I found many wonderful blogs of women sharing their stories, hurts, triumphs and questions.  I've happily been following many of them and gaining the courage to start my own. I've struggled with knowing if I have something unique or helpful to share.  I worry that if I start blogging, I'll get prideful and write for the wrong reasons. (I've been known to get a little caught up in how many followers/comments I have on my family blog.) In the end I decided to go for it because the more I share my story, the easier this burden is to carry.  My friends at church may not know what I'm going through, but I can let my voice be heard in other appropriate arenas.  This blog will be one more step out of the darkness of addiction.

I've kept a journal on-line for the last few years, so initially my posts will be pulled from that journal and reworked into posts that can be shared anonymously. I have a several long posts telling my story in probably way too much detail for this audience, but I've been working to get it all written down for my daughters to read someday.  I pray they'll never have to face this trial, but I think they'll need to know this part of my life to fully understand me.  And so, if you are patient, I'll share them with you first. I've also got lots to say about working the 12 steps and how my life really changed when I stopped trying to fix my husband's problem and started working on my problems.  Till then dear reader.  (Do you mind if I call you that?)