I've been doing 12 step stuff for about a year and half now. I've been learning about addiction and co-dependency even longer. And I still kinda wince when I hear the term co-dependent. It may be because I'm prideful, but I just don't like having a label attached to me implying that things are wrong. As I've thought about it recently, I've been wondering if nearly everyone here on this big old earth isn't co-dependent? Seriously, who isn't affected by another's behavior? When I was a young newly wed, I was blissfully happy due to the all the nice and wonderful things my new husband did for me. Nobody shouted, "Co-dependent! Stop being happy! He is making you happy! You need to make your own happiness!" It was only when a huge problem came out, and his behavior made me sad instead of happy, that my new identity as a "co-dependent" emerged. All of a sudden, I found out that I had relied on my husband for too much of my happiness. I needed to reach within and find myself and my own happiness again.
A friend recently asked, "could my husband be co-dependent too?" And my answer was, "Yes, your husband is co-dependent. And so is your friend in your ward and your sister and your cousin. And I bet none of them are even married to porn addicts."
We come to earth to find and form families, to make friendships, and to love our neighbor. It's a HUGE balancing act to figure out how to make and maintain close relationships in this life, but then not lean too heavily on those same relationships to the point that we lose our own identity and reliance on our Savior. It isn't just a problem that happens to WOPAs or any addict's loved ones for that matter. I believe codependency is the trial of learning how to not lean on the arm of flesh, of trusting God above man. I think ALL mortals must face it. For a long time, I've worn a "scarlet C" on my forehead and wondered how I wound up a co-dependent. Now I see it as a natural part of mortality, and in God's life sketch for me I was awarded a crash course in overcoming the arm of flesh. (And let me say, I still CRASH a lot!) Given my circumstances I've needed extra help, and so I'm blessed with tools and vocabulary to face this challenge head on. Others -- who may not have an urgent need like mine -- also need to learn to love God above all else and find their own happiness. Maybe they become aware of it more gradually.
I've worn my scarlet C with shame at times, and at other times with pride, because I've become aware of destructive behaviors within myself and I've learned how to step above them. I'm learning to love God and myself above all else and though it's hard, it's happening. And I'm very grateful for that.
