Detach

 

I've read a lot about detaching, but I've never felt that I've done it really well.  I know I can't fix my husband, but I've never been able to free myself from the mental angst and sorrow that comes with his addiction.  I can tell myself to detach, but I have a hard time not reacting to things he does.  To me, detaching has always been trying to move away from his issues, sometimes mentally, sometimes physically.  To detach I avoid calling to check up on him, or look for activities that I can do on my own like playing the piano or scrapbooking.  But the bottom line is, I don't feel happy when I am distant from my husband.  Detaching has meant that I avoid him, again mentally or physically.  

This week we had a conversation that made me think all along I've gotten it wrong.  Here's how it went down.  I was frustrated with my husband over some time management issues. He's a grad student, so he sets his schedule and hours, but seeing as there are five of us living on a grad school stipend, I am highly motivated for him to make progress on his research and graduate on time.  I was leaving for the afternoon and didn't want to go feeling frustrated with him, so I brought the subject to a head. 

"Why do you think you can just read your book all morning?"

I felt like a nag.  I felt like I was putting my nose in his business.  And I felt like I was NOT detached. 

I continued to articulate how I was feeling.  I worry that his procrastination will come back to bite me when he has to put in extra hours a few days down the road and I have to pick up his slack at home. I worry about vulnerability to porn when he is stressed and tired.  I told him how I felt like I was working hard, and he should be too.  There was a moment of pause while he took it all in. I started to feel guilty and finished up with this eloqent closing statement, 

"Well, aren't you upset at me? After all, I've been attacking you!"

He didn't deny that he felt defensive, but he helped me see that he truly does want to know how I feel.  He said that telling him how I feel is ok, as long as I am not telling him WHAT he should do.  We talked about how me bottling up my emotions when I am feeling upset about things is not detaching, it is isolating.  And isolation is a huge trigger for both of us.  When we are emotionally distant I start to mentally exaggerate his crimes against me.  I get a visit from my neighbor insanity and we throw a pity party.  For him, isolation fuels his addiction.  He escapes that pang of loneliness through the balm of instant gratification. 

I do need to detach.  And I hope to get better at it, but detaching from my husband hasn't seemed to help either one of us.  I hope that detaching from how my husband chooses to solve his problems will be healthy for me.  We are married, our lives intertwine in hundreds of ways.  Yet, he and I are dynamic individuals that need to feel space to exert our agency.  And I hope that as we work together as a couple to stay connected, individually we will be motivated take care of ourselves.

H.A.L.T.

 

Today at therapy we talked about an old AA strategy called H.A.L.T.  The idea is that the addict will more likely act out when Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I think it's a good idea to put in the addict's arsenal of tools, but I want to focus on what I learned on how it applies to me. 

My codependency really flares up when I find out my own discovery or my husband's confession that my husband acted out.  I suppose someday if he reaches a few months of sobriety, there would be other things that could trigger me, but right now I do just fine unless I find out that he's slipped again. And if he slips in rapid fire succession,  I fall progressively harder with each new slip.  I feel overwhelmingly sad, don't want to face the needs of my kids, eat junk food, and allow my thoughts to cycle endlessly on the same cycle of, "I'll show him.  I don't deserve this.  I'm leaving."  From my perspective it seemed that none of the HALT symptoms applied to my cycle of emotions. After some discussion, I realized when my husband acts out, I feel lonely.  I feel like he abandoned me.  I translate his acting out as a departure from our relationship.  I agonize over the part of him that overrides his commitment to me.  I hate that he can push aside thoughts of how this will affect me, and click his way to indulgence.  And in the end, I feel disconnected and lonely.  

Although my usual pattern is to keep my distance for a day or two until I soften, I think the better route might be to seek for re-connection right away.  If I am lonely, I want to try to remedy that emotion by telling my husband exactly how I feel and doing what I can to connect again.  Another option is to try to connect with a friend or make a phone call to ease the loneliness.  Those will temporary solutions, but they can help until I can mend my most intimate relationship.