H.A.L.T.

 

Today at therapy we talked about an old AA strategy called H.A.L.T.  The idea is that the addict will more likely act out when Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  I think it's a good idea to put in the addict's arsenal of tools, but I want to focus on what I learned on how it applies to me. 

My codependency really flares up when I find out my own discovery or my husband's confession that my husband acted out.  I suppose someday if he reaches a few months of sobriety, there would be other things that could trigger me, but right now I do just fine unless I find out that he's slipped again. And if he slips in rapid fire succession,  I fall progressively harder with each new slip.  I feel overwhelmingly sad, don't want to face the needs of my kids, eat junk food, and allow my thoughts to cycle endlessly on the same cycle of, "I'll show him.  I don't deserve this.  I'm leaving."  From my perspective it seemed that none of the HALT symptoms applied to my cycle of emotions. After some discussion, I realized when my husband acts out, I feel lonely.  I feel like he abandoned me.  I translate his acting out as a departure from our relationship.  I agonize over the part of him that overrides his commitment to me.  I hate that he can push aside thoughts of how this will affect me, and click his way to indulgence.  And in the end, I feel disconnected and lonely.  

Although my usual pattern is to keep my distance for a day or two until I soften, I think the better route might be to seek for re-connection right away.  If I am lonely, I want to try to remedy that emotion by telling my husband exactly how I feel and doing what I can to connect again.  Another option is to try to connect with a friend or make a phone call to ease the loneliness.  Those will temporary solutions, but they can help until I can mend my most intimate relationship.