For the last few weeks I've been determined to eat well. I'm staying away from sweets and refined carbs. I'm also working to get everyone around here to eat more fruits and vegetables. Overall it's a lifestyle choice that I like so it hasn't been too hard. But yesterday I had an off morning with some friends and I came home from my morning at the park feeling emotionally unstable. I had a huge urge to dive into the pantry and self sooth with comfort foods. I wanted to eat away that nagging feeling that I was not as good as the other ladies I had been hanging out with. I wanted to eat my out of feeling hurt. Cognitively I could see where I was at. I knew if I ate it would be out of an emotional craving, not out of actual hunger, and I was determined to not give in. I worked around it by playing a few songs on the piano, looking around the web a bit, trying to take a nap, and sadly sisters in the end, I gave in. I was so bugged that I couldn't feel better on my own, that after 40 minutes or so I went to the pantry and deliberately grabbed as many triscuits as I could hold in my hot little hands. I knew I was choosing to escape through food rather than deal with my emotions, but it just didn't seem to matter anymore.
Ok, so big deal. But it taught me some compassion and I could see how when my husband feels those emotional voids, how the urge to just "make it all go away" could be so tempting. He has told me about how he fights, fights, and fights, but the urges eventually wear him down. I don't think it justifies his behavior, but it helps me see into his struggle a little bit better. One day at a time.
I've been doing some serious emotional eating the last week. Onion rings for lunch and the next day onion rings for dinner. Barf. I know I'm doing it but I just don't care. (Addict talk, huh?)
ReplyDeleteYes, it is so hard to get through without giving in. I'm impressed you held out for as long as you did, and I think you deserve some credit for that. And for the fact that you "gave in" to Triscuits and not potato chips, soda, some kind of drug, or an activity that would violate your covenants with God. I think it's great that you can learn compassion for your husband through a much less serious and less harmful substance.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling the same way. DQ Blizzards are my worst and frosting. I eat it by spoonfuls.
ReplyDeleteAt least you chose a healthy option.
I am learning compassion for my hubby as well through my own adfictions.
I can relate to this, except I haven't even been willing to REALLY make the goal. I think about it and then just eat junk food anyway. Ugh - I am an emotional eater.
ReplyDeleteAwareness is such a big deal in this process.
ReplyDeleteI have moments too, where I am able to understand my husband a little bit better. It has got to be so hard to stay in recovery! If you can believe it, I have actually prayed that I could understand him better...FYI not a good idea ;) but I guess it has helped me be a little more empathetic when he has a slip up.
ReplyDeleteI completely relate. I use food to comfort, to the extreme sometimes. Sometimes enough that I can sense the damage in myself that I see in my husband from his indulgence in addiction: lack of patience, self-loathing, selfishness, etc. It really was eye opening to see the same struggle in myself and how HARD it is to break, even when I know exactly what I'm really doing to myself.
ReplyDelete