My Calling

I teach gospel doctrine in my ward.  I've been teaching for a little over 2 years now and a few times along the way, I have wanted to go to the Bishop and asked to be released.  Friday was one of those days. G's slips still tear me up pretty badly. I can spout off all the reasons why I can't control it, why it's not my fault, but I still hurt. I'm not good at detaching. I feel proud of how far I've come in my own recovery, but I still have days where I feel spiritually weak. Any free time I can find in the midst of raising my three kids I want to spend on my own recovery work, not on a gospel doctrine lesson.  I also feel conflicted about standing up in front of my ward and "putting on a good face" when I feel like I am falling apart inside. 
Even though I've wanted to call it quits many times, I've stayed my course and found a way to get the job done.  Some of my lessons during "those weeks" haven't been great, but I've squeaked by.  And actually, I'm glad that I haven't quit.  I don't LOVE my calling, but I've taught long enough that I'm pretty comfortable in front of the class and I like getting to be in charge. (Sunday School goes WAY faster when you are the one leading the discussion.) But as I mentioned earlier, Friday I had another day where I just wanted to call up my Bishop and say, "I have too much on my plate.  I need to focus on me.  I need to be released." I prayed earnestly about it on Saturday and considered making the appointment. I felt the impression that the Lord gave me this calling at THIS time in my life because it would help me.  All along I've treated at it as dead weight, and I haven't tried to see how my Sunday School lessons could help me recover.  I feel sheepish writing this out because it seems like such an obvious idea.  Um, hello, I could find spiritual strength in the scriptures?  I think my hang up has been that I'm overly focused on the format of the lesson. What questions do I need to ask to get class members involved?  What funny story can I tell at the beginning of the lesson pique interest? I'm hoping that this new perspective will help me to see that the answers I'm seeking are right in front of me. I need to have faith that the Lord gave me this opportunity and He will consecrate it for my growth. Because really, why should I ever resent time spent on service? 

How about you? Does anyone else struggle with balancing church callings with surviving life with an addict? I'd love to hear other's perspectives on church callings. What is your calling? Do you love it?  Does it help? 

Commenting on Commenting

The other day I was chatting with G about my day and I mentioned I had spent time that afternoon reading blogs and sending a few emails.  He asked if I found it helpful, and I said yes.  But honestly, there are days when I read blogs or forum threads and I don't feel better.  It's certainly not that the posts are duds, it's because I allow myself to read passively and move on.  For some reason reading by itself can bring my down. If someone has a good day, I find myself thinking, "why can't it be me?" If someone has a bad day, I might think, "This issue is such a downer -- it's never getting better! for anyone!" I just keep clicking through pages, but never really finding what I'm looking for. But I've realized lately, that if I simply click on the comment button and begin to compose my thoughts to form a reply, my attitude begins to shift. My thoughts are elevated and a better part of me emerges.  The part that cheers for a friend when times are good, and sends love and empathy when times are not so good. By typing a few words in the comment box, my whole experience is transformed. I thought I would post about this so that when you other bloggers start noticing excessive commenting by Marlee, you'll have a glimpse into my logic.  Plus, you guys are just awesome, and by commenting I can better show my appreciation for all that you teach me.  I love hearing other's experiences, getting new ideas, feedback, and empathy.  I love that I don't feel alone anymore.  That means everything.

I'm in the Middle

A few nights ago I read Elder Uchtdorf's talk, Always in the Middle.  He teaches we are often looking for milestones that resemble a beginning or an end.  We are excited for a new year so we can set goals and recommit our energy.  Or we look forward to an end where we can measure progress and accomplishments. But if we focus only on beginnings or ending, we miss the meaningful experiences in the middle.
I often fall into the mental trap of looking for beginnings or ends when it comes to living with addiction. Sometimes I despair and think, this is only the beginning of my sorrows.  I will have to live like this for the rest of my marriage.  Other times I think I'm at the end.  This will be the last slip.  Recovery is just around the bend.  Life will finally return to normal.
Both cases are not healthy ways for me to think.  In the first scenario, I get bogged down in how heavy this trial feels and I lose hope.  I despair to think about a life mired in addiction, yet, I don't want to up and leave behind all the goodness that still exists in my marriage and family life.  The second scenario where I think I'm at the end, backfires on me all too often because slips happen in recovery. It's so hard to feel my hopes come crashing down when another slip is disclosed. The higher my hopes, the harder I fall.
We all have different challenges and mine seems to be one of endurance.  I can't complain about how far in severity G's addiction has gone, but I do complain (often) about how long it's been going on.  If I count from the very first disclosure, it's been 6 years.  If I count from his relapse back into addiction, it's been a little over 3 years. Either way, I feel like I've been running a marathon and honestly, I'm tired. I really took Elder Uchtdorf's message to heart.  I can't control when my husband will heal.  I don't know the Lord's time table and as much as I want to, I just can't hurry this thing along. I think my best bet is to start assuming I am in the middle, and not worry about signs of beginning or end.  There is joy and meaning in the middle and if I look for it, I am sure I can find it. Here is some joy I found today,

• I confidently gave me husband a new boundary this afternoon and he agreed to it peacefully because he could see that it was something that I needed and it's intent is to protect me.  I felt in his reassuring smile that he loves me.  He wants to ease my pain and make this easier for me in anyway he can. 
• I had a nice long chat with my sponsor and got a glimpse of the big picture.
• We went on a family bike ride that included two adult bikes, one princess bike, a bike trailer, baby seat, and five helmets.  It took 20 minutes to get our crew and gear assembled, but we had a great time being together as a family. 

I'm not at the beginning or end, I am in the middle.  And I can be happy here.