I'm in the Middle

A few nights ago I read Elder Uchtdorf's talk, Always in the Middle.  He teaches we are often looking for milestones that resemble a beginning or an end.  We are excited for a new year so we can set goals and recommit our energy.  Or we look forward to an end where we can measure progress and accomplishments. But if we focus only on beginnings or ending, we miss the meaningful experiences in the middle.
I often fall into the mental trap of looking for beginnings or ends when it comes to living with addiction. Sometimes I despair and think, this is only the beginning of my sorrows.  I will have to live like this for the rest of my marriage.  Other times I think I'm at the end.  This will be the last slip.  Recovery is just around the bend.  Life will finally return to normal.
Both cases are not healthy ways for me to think.  In the first scenario, I get bogged down in how heavy this trial feels and I lose hope.  I despair to think about a life mired in addiction, yet, I don't want to up and leave behind all the goodness that still exists in my marriage and family life.  The second scenario where I think I'm at the end, backfires on me all too often because slips happen in recovery. It's so hard to feel my hopes come crashing down when another slip is disclosed. The higher my hopes, the harder I fall.
We all have different challenges and mine seems to be one of endurance.  I can't complain about how far in severity G's addiction has gone, but I do complain (often) about how long it's been going on.  If I count from the very first disclosure, it's been 6 years.  If I count from his relapse back into addiction, it's been a little over 3 years. Either way, I feel like I've been running a marathon and honestly, I'm tired. I really took Elder Uchtdorf's message to heart.  I can't control when my husband will heal.  I don't know the Lord's time table and as much as I want to, I just can't hurry this thing along. I think my best bet is to start assuming I am in the middle, and not worry about signs of beginning or end.  There is joy and meaning in the middle and if I look for it, I am sure I can find it. Here is some joy I found today,

• I confidently gave me husband a new boundary this afternoon and he agreed to it peacefully because he could see that it was something that I needed and it's intent is to protect me.  I felt in his reassuring smile that he loves me.  He wants to ease my pain and make this easier for me in anyway he can. 
• I had a nice long chat with my sponsor and got a glimpse of the big picture.
• We went on a family bike ride that included two adult bikes, one princess bike, a bike trailer, baby seat, and five helmets.  It took 20 minutes to get our crew and gear assembled, but we had a great time being together as a family. 

I'm not at the beginning or end, I am in the middle.  And I can be happy here.