I teach gospel doctrine in my ward. I've been teaching for a little over 2 years now and a few times along the way, I have wanted to go to the Bishop and asked to be released. Friday was one of those days. G's slips still tear me up pretty badly. I can spout off all the reasons why I can't control it, why it's not my fault, but I still hurt. I'm not good at detaching. I feel proud of how far I've come in my own recovery, but I still have days where I feel spiritually weak. Any free time I can find in the midst of raising my three kids I want to spend on my own recovery work, not on a gospel doctrine lesson. I also feel conflicted about standing up in front of my ward and "putting on a good face" when I feel like I am falling apart inside.
Even though I've wanted to call it quits many times, I've stayed my course and found a way to get the job done. Some of my lessons during "those weeks" haven't been great, but I've squeaked by. And actually, I'm glad that I haven't quit. I don't LOVE my calling, but I've taught long enough that I'm pretty comfortable in front of the class and I like getting to be in charge. (Sunday School goes WAY faster when you are the one leading the discussion.) But as I mentioned earlier, Friday I had another day where I just wanted to call up my Bishop and say, "I have too much on my plate. I need to focus on me. I need to be released." I prayed earnestly about it on Saturday and considered making the appointment. I felt the impression that the Lord gave me this calling at THIS time in my life because it would help me. All along I've treated at it as dead weight, and I haven't tried to see how my Sunday School lessons could help me recover. I feel sheepish writing this out because it seems like such an obvious idea. Um, hello, I could find spiritual strength in the scriptures? I think my hang up has been that I'm overly focused on the format of the lesson. What questions do I need to ask to get class members involved? What funny story can I tell at the beginning of the lesson pique interest? I'm hoping that this new perspective will help me to see that the answers I'm seeking are right in front of me. I need to have faith that the Lord gave me this opportunity and He will consecrate it for my growth. Because really, why should I ever resent time spent on service?
How about you? Does anyone else struggle with balancing church callings with surviving life with an addict? I'd love to hear other's perspectives on church callings. What is your calling? Do you love it? Does it help?
I actually got to the point where my plate was too full. My calling was not helping me or my recovery. I was seemingly always on the verge of a breakdown. After 37 years of active membership, and never turning down a calling, or quitting one, I did. I went to my bishop and did the very thing you speak of. He was very understanding, loving and supportive of my decision. For me, it was the right thing. Not saying it is the right thing for you or everyone. I think individually we all know what is right for us. God knows my heart. I know my heart and needs. Right now focusing on me and my kids, and just living through each day is enough. I hope sticking your calling out does help you. I am sure you will be blessed whatever your choice. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteTwo Sundays ago, I locked myself in the bathroom stall and bawled my eyes out while my two kids played in the church's bathroom sink... then I cleaned my face up, put on a smile, and went and taught Sharing Time. Once I got home, I slept for 3 hours. It was a bad, bad codependency relapse day.
ReplyDeleteI'm the Primary President, and while there's so much going on at home and with my calling, I'm grateful for the chance it gives me to get out of myself and think about the gaggle of kids around my ankles. I tend to think too much about the addiction... my recovery, his issues, protecting the kids, protecting our home -there's just so much! I start to get overwhelmed and go to a bad place, haha. My calling forces me to leave it all behind for a bit (whether it's for a meeting or to teach Sharing Time or whatever) and do service. Service is one of the keys in my self-care. If I can give service, I'm okay.
I know it isn't the same for everyone, but I'm grateful for my calling because it actually helps me detach. Plus, all those kids just have me so. dang. wrapped. Love their little faces!
~Alicia
I a den mom. Three cheers for cub scouts...you better believe I'm doing all I can to teach those little guys. After we learn a new skill we shout out a little cheer I taught them. So, we tie some knots and I yell out, "why do we learn this?" and they say, "to grow up and be good men!" we learn about respect, responsibility or courage and I yell out "why do we learn this?" they respond, "to grow up and be good men!"
ReplyDeletei hope it sinks in.
cub scouts is about all i can do. don't ask me to pray, or talk or share or anything else.
For a long time, my calling kept me afloat -- it gave me the push and excuse to get outside my house, myself, and my claustrophobic world of porn addiction, and be with other people. Until it really came to be too much (a combination of a very demanding calling for me, and an even more demanding calling for my husband, three young children, a baby on the way, and me reeling from the biggest disclosure to date), and at that point I went to ask to be released, only to find out that the decision had already been made by the two people in the Ward who knew what was going on (my Bishop and RS Pres) that I had too much on my plate and I was being released anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt was a HUGE relief. And a little sad.
A year later, and I have an awesome calling that perfectly suits my skills and I can do from home on my own time, which is nice with four little kids keeping me busy. But, honestly, I miss having something that kept me more engaged in the Ward -- I'm feeling more and more cutoff, and kinda wish I had something that pulled me back in to the mix of things . . .
Hello there, just turned into aware of your blog via Google, and located that it’s truly informative. I’m going to be careful for brussels. I’ll be grateful for those who continue this in future. Lots of folks will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!
ReplyDelete