Capturing my Insanity

My insanity knocks on my door early in the morning.  I open the door and stall, hoping she won't want to come in, but she pushes past me and parks it on the couch. 

"Have a seat dear. We need to talk."

And I realize that I'm not going to get anything done today, because she is like the guest that just won't leave.  I should ask her to leave. Why can't I tell her that today is not good for me? I have things to do.  And yet, somehow I end up joining her in the living room.  I slowly sink down next to her on the couch, and her monologue begins.  Dishes wait, my shower waits, and my kids run around crazy in their pajamas as I listen and nod, listen and nod, listen and nod.  

"He is never going to change you know. He is going to keep doing this forever.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment -- you've been cheated." 

Tears well up in my eyes as I look over at her.  Her life is perfect.  There she is with her 1950's style dress, pearls, heels, and perfectly manicured hair.  It's like she stepped out of a Time Life Magazine a half a century ago and came straight over to inform me of all the woes in my life.

"Remember when you used to be happy? Why do you put up with his crap?  Why don't you show him!  Do something drastic.  Leave.  Get in the car and leave.  That'll show him.  You'll be miserable if you leave, but at least he will get what is coming.  Did you ever imagine how many tears he would make you cry?  He doesn't love you!  He is a liar! People don't hurt the ones they love over and over again.  Your life is hopeless. He will NEVER change."

She uses the words "never" and "always" like they are going out of style. She has hair that HAS gone out of style.  It's curls around the nape her neck in an unnatural tube and it's so stiff it looks like she could walk through a wind tunnel without a single hair going astray. I'm assuming she prefers glasses to contacts because those glasses exude her wisdom and life experience. Those thick, black, almond shaped glasses that snarl, "I am intelligent! You must listen to me!" It's like she hides behind them as she continues her tirade, "What kind of life is this? Call the Bishop, asked to be released.  How can you teach a class when you are a wreck. Your life is a sham.  Everyone thinks your family is perfect.  But you and I know the truth.  The truth is your family is falling apart and there is nothing you can do to save it. Give up."

The awful part about her visits is no matter how many problems she points out,  she never offers solutions.  And come to think of it, she never offers any empathy.  And I realize, she has never gone through this.  She has never gone through anything anything remotely close to this! She is unmarried, no children, and her lack of experience and intimacy has somehow entitled her to all the right answers.  Her world is all hopes and dreams and what "ought" to be.  She insists my life should be perfect too. 

I pick myself up off the couch and walk over to the sink.  She trails me, "You know you are real sucker to stay with him.  Cooking meals for him.  Folding his laundry.  He gets to live it up while he's away and then come home to a hot dinner, a loving wife, and kids who jump and squeal when he walks through the door.  Why should he live like a King and treat you like the slave?" Somehow I manage to ignore her to start moving through my routine.  I tackle my son to change his diaper and when I snuggle his neck and tickle his round belly his laughter drowns out her voice.  She is still talking, but the words seem fainter.  I dress my kids, throw myself in the shower, and obnoxiously she starts yelling at me through the shower curtain. 

"Have I mentioned he is not going to change? That there is no hope?"  She seems annoyed that I'm not giving her more attention.  I step out of the shower and pass her by, hoping she'll pass me by and be on her way.  As I open my recovery manual and begin to read, it's like I shut the door on her. She can't come in my sanctuary.  I feel peace, relief, and hope once again.  Words from experts, apostles, and sisters who have walked this path before me tell me that there IS hope. I can change who I am.  And I have a Savior who wants to save me!

Some days I walk out of my bedroom and she is gone.  Other days she sort of lingers with me and passively murmurs her complaints as I go about my business.  I hope that as my recovery progresses, I'll stay alert and keep her out on the front porch knocking.  I'll hide under a blanket with my kids and hope that after she peers through the windows looking for me, she'll give up and walk away.  But if I'm weak and I let her in, I'll know who she is, and what she is: my insanity.  Just as I invited her in, I can ask her to leave.  A friend of mine said her grandma had a trick to get rid of long staying guests.  When Grandma tired of her guests she started to talk about the gospel.  The guests got uncomfortable and quickly made excuses to leave.  I think I'll try that strategy next time insanity come for a visit.  I let you know how it works out.

Co-dependent, who me?

I've been doing 12 step stuff for about a year and half now.  I've been learning about addiction and co-dependency even longer.  And I still kinda wince when I hear the term co-dependent.  It may be because I'm prideful, but I just don't like having a label attached to me implying that things are wrong.  As I've thought about it recently, I've been wondering if nearly everyone here on this big old earth isn't co-dependent? Seriously, who isn't affected by another's behavior? When I was a young newly wed, I was blissfully happy due to the all the nice and wonderful things my new husband did for me. Nobody shouted, "Co-dependent! Stop being happy! He is making you happy! You need to make your own happiness!" It was only when a huge problem came out, and his behavior made me sad instead of happy, that my new identity as a "co-dependent" emerged. All of a sudden, I found out that I had relied on my husband for too much of my happiness. I needed to reach within and find myself and my own happiness again.

A friend recently asked, "could my husband be co-dependent too?" And my answer was, "Yes, your husband is co-dependent.  And so is your friend in your ward and your sister and your cousin. And I bet none of them are even married to porn addicts."

We come to earth to find and form families, to make friendships, and to love our neighbor. It's a HUGE balancing act to figure out how to make and maintain close relationships in this life, but then not lean too heavily on those same relationships to the point that we lose our own identity and reliance on our Savior.  It isn't just a problem that happens to WOPAs or any addict's loved ones for that matter.  I believe codependency is the trial of learning how to not lean on the arm of flesh, of trusting God above man. I think ALL mortals must face it. For a long time, I've worn a "scarlet C" on my forehead and wondered how I wound up a co-dependent. Now I see it as a natural part of mortality, and in God's life sketch for me I was awarded a crash course in overcoming the arm of flesh.  (And let me say, I still CRASH a lot!) Given my circumstances I've needed extra help, and so I'm blessed with tools and vocabulary to face this challenge head on. Others -- who may not have an urgent need like mine -- also need to learn to love God above all else and find their own happiness.  Maybe they become aware of it more gradually.

I've worn my scarlet C with shame at times, and at other times with pride, because I've become aware of destructive behaviors within myself and I've learned how to step above them.  I'm learning to love God and myself above all else and though it's hard, it's happening.  And I'm very grateful for that.

Cancer? Get out of Here!

Any fellow Seinfeld fans out there?  Remember this one?

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
Jerry :Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?"

I bring up this exchange because it makes me laugh, but more importantly, it provides a  nice intro for my analogy where I suggest that addiction is like cancer.  Yesterday I read an Ensign article on addiction and found myself pausing after I read this quote, "Addiction is often misunderstood, and some believe that if a person would simply choose to recover or work harder at stopping, he or she would be able to. But the nature of addiction—and all sin, for that matter—is such that we cannot heal ourselves from it."  The wheels in my mind starting going and I began to see how addiction is somewhat like a cancer.  If someone is diagnosed with cancer, they simply can not heal by themselves.  But perhaps in the early stages when they started feeling ill or had unusual symptoms, they thought, "Oh, I must have a virus.  If I wait it out, it will go away."  But when it became clear the symptoms were not going away on their own, they begin to think, "OK,  I need to attack this flu head on.  I'm getting 8 hours of sleep every night.  And I'll eat right -- OJ and vitamins to boot!" But all of it is for naught, because nobody beats cancer on their own.  No one.  At some point the person sees that things are getting worse despite their best efforts, and they go to see a doctor.  The best treatments are provided and if all goes right, miracles do happen and the awful cancer that is attacking the body is eradicated. Thankfully our world sees far more cancer survivors today than we used too. 

I believe addiction likewise just can't be beat by giving it our best shot.  If you know of someone who gave it up on their own, my guess is they were probably never truly addicted.  Someone who is addicted knows it because they have already tried swearing it off, praying harder, going to the temple more, serving more, fasting more, but the addiction just keeps finding it's way back into their life. The situation just seems hopeless.  And that is the point that when they finally seek help.  When they realize, it won't go away, and they are miserable. So what do you do if your husband says, "Cancer? Get out of here!  It's just a virus!"  You say, "Fine then.  If it's only a virus, then stop.  From this moment on, the secrecy and pornography stop.  If he can't (and I don't think it's too harsh to ask for internet histories or some type of proof positive, especially if he's been lying) then you have every right to insist that he start getting help from outside sources such as a counselor, bishop, 12-step group, or all of the above. Getting help doesn't negate his willpower or the power of the atonement, it is seeking the appropriate treatment for a specific problem.  And while we are on this cancer analogy, I think it's important to note as wives we are not doctors! We are not recovering addicts, we have not been trained as therapists, and we do not know the answers.  We may give it our best shot making all sorts of plans, rules and, heaven forbid, sticker charts, but in the end, we can't fix him.  We will just be disappointed in him and moreover ourselves if we try.

Now taking my cancer analogy back to our world sisters, what does it all mean?  Because we are not the cancer patient, right?  Or are we?  I think it stands to reasons that just as a spouse who lives with a smoker can get lung cancer, we too are now cancer patients so to speak. We can not heal ourselves. Only Christ can heal our aching hearts and He is working hard to get us the help and support we need. The church is establishing support groups for family members of addicted loved ones in many areas, and there are websites and blogs more numerous to count offering help. For me the biggest help has been finding help from other women who are going through the same challenge.  Speaking freely about what is really happening in my life lifts a huge burden off my soul.  I pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father, but He knows, sometimes I just need a girlfriend to talk to.   If you are suffering silently, or even leaning on your husband for support,  don't be afraid to reach out and make some connections.  You'll be so glad you did!

Engaged in a Good Cause?

Do you ever talk to imaginary friends?  I do.  I give them advice, in fact.  Sometimes I want so much to pass on what I've learned about surviving a pornography addiction that I preach a sermon to someone in my head.  Someone new to the problem, someone who could avoid so many of the mistakes I've made.

A few days ago, a friend on the Hope and Healing Forum asked the question, "Why would God let me marry him?"  I think nearly all of us have asked that question, and God has answered it for each of us in unique ways.  But the question reminded me of one of my imaginary conversations.  The one where I talk to a girl who just got engaged.  And she just found out through her finance's own admission, that he once had "a problem" with pornography.  She's shocked, she's scared, and she is wondering, what should I do now? Here's what I would tell her:

This road hasn't been easy, but I am glad that I married G because he is who I love. I wouldn't change who I married.  But there is one thing I wish I could go back in time and change.  It was the day after we had the "the talk."  The one where he told me he'd had issues with pornography in his youth, he'd repented and it was long over.  I spent that day deep in thought and prayed a lot. It seemed like a scary admission, but it flew in the face of everything else I knew about him and so it wasn't very hard to dismiss.  After one day of soul searching, I was ready to fall back into his arms and move forward with our wedding plans.  Here's what future me would say to past me, "I know you love him and want to ride off into the sunset with your prince.  I know how he makes you laugh and all the good emotions that wash over you the second you see his face.  He told you it's no longer a problem and you believe him. Your heart is good and you want to trust him. His heart is good and he wants to keep this evil out of his life forever.  But his involvement with pornography was part of a compulsive behavior. It falls in the realm of addiction, and this realm is like nothing you've ever experienced before. The atonement is real, and you can believe him when he says he repented and he is clean. But his sincerity and your love will not shield you from the addiction returning. There are layers of complexity to unravel and it is simply not a problem that if you pray harder and read your scriptures more diligently, it will all go away.  Before you move forward in this engagement, you must see a counselor.  Someone who is trained in addiction recovery and can give you all the information you need to stay ahead of this beast. He or she will help you prepare for this new life, should you choose to follow this path. The path ahead won't be awful.  If you have the right tools, addiction can be overcome! There can and will be love without measure, beautiful children, and the light of the gospel coupled with Christ's love. Don't walk away from your dreams of a happy ending, but don't hide in the shadow of ignorance either. Talk to your parents, your bishop, and your Savior.  Gather your courage to tell your fiancee that although you believe him that his sins are in the past, you want to see a counselor together. You don't doubt his sincerity, you simply doubt his awareness of how deep addiction runs. You can do this. You can still have the marriage you want. But be aware that the marriage you want may require some very specific instructions that you can only get from a professional. Hang in there friend, some of the best experiences of your life are just around the corner. And can I come to your wedding? I'd love to experience that day all over again."

As a side note, I would also encourage every girl recently engaged to find out if her fiancee has had a problem with pornography in the past.  It may be awkward to bring up, but the knowledge gained, regardless of his answer, will be absolutely worth it.

My Calling

I teach gospel doctrine in my ward.  I've been teaching for a little over 2 years now and a few times along the way, I have wanted to go to the Bishop and asked to be released.  Friday was one of those days. G's slips still tear me up pretty badly. I can spout off all the reasons why I can't control it, why it's not my fault, but I still hurt. I'm not good at detaching. I feel proud of how far I've come in my own recovery, but I still have days where I feel spiritually weak. Any free time I can find in the midst of raising my three kids I want to spend on my own recovery work, not on a gospel doctrine lesson.  I also feel conflicted about standing up in front of my ward and "putting on a good face" when I feel like I am falling apart inside. 
Even though I've wanted to call it quits many times, I've stayed my course and found a way to get the job done.  Some of my lessons during "those weeks" haven't been great, but I've squeaked by.  And actually, I'm glad that I haven't quit.  I don't LOVE my calling, but I've taught long enough that I'm pretty comfortable in front of the class and I like getting to be in charge. (Sunday School goes WAY faster when you are the one leading the discussion.) But as I mentioned earlier, Friday I had another day where I just wanted to call up my Bishop and say, "I have too much on my plate.  I need to focus on me.  I need to be released." I prayed earnestly about it on Saturday and considered making the appointment. I felt the impression that the Lord gave me this calling at THIS time in my life because it would help me.  All along I've treated at it as dead weight, and I haven't tried to see how my Sunday School lessons could help me recover.  I feel sheepish writing this out because it seems like such an obvious idea.  Um, hello, I could find spiritual strength in the scriptures?  I think my hang up has been that I'm overly focused on the format of the lesson. What questions do I need to ask to get class members involved?  What funny story can I tell at the beginning of the lesson pique interest? I'm hoping that this new perspective will help me to see that the answers I'm seeking are right in front of me. I need to have faith that the Lord gave me this opportunity and He will consecrate it for my growth. Because really, why should I ever resent time spent on service? 

How about you? Does anyone else struggle with balancing church callings with surviving life with an addict? I'd love to hear other's perspectives on church callings. What is your calling? Do you love it?  Does it help? 

Commenting on Commenting

The other day I was chatting with G about my day and I mentioned I had spent time that afternoon reading blogs and sending a few emails.  He asked if I found it helpful, and I said yes.  But honestly, there are days when I read blogs or forum threads and I don't feel better.  It's certainly not that the posts are duds, it's because I allow myself to read passively and move on.  For some reason reading by itself can bring my down. If someone has a good day, I find myself thinking, "why can't it be me?" If someone has a bad day, I might think, "This issue is such a downer -- it's never getting better! for anyone!" I just keep clicking through pages, but never really finding what I'm looking for. But I've realized lately, that if I simply click on the comment button and begin to compose my thoughts to form a reply, my attitude begins to shift. My thoughts are elevated and a better part of me emerges.  The part that cheers for a friend when times are good, and sends love and empathy when times are not so good. By typing a few words in the comment box, my whole experience is transformed. I thought I would post about this so that when you other bloggers start noticing excessive commenting by Marlee, you'll have a glimpse into my logic.  Plus, you guys are just awesome, and by commenting I can better show my appreciation for all that you teach me.  I love hearing other's experiences, getting new ideas, feedback, and empathy.  I love that I don't feel alone anymore.  That means everything.

I'm in the Middle

A few nights ago I read Elder Uchtdorf's talk, Always in the Middle.  He teaches we are often looking for milestones that resemble a beginning or an end.  We are excited for a new year so we can set goals and recommit our energy.  Or we look forward to an end where we can measure progress and accomplishments. But if we focus only on beginnings or ending, we miss the meaningful experiences in the middle.
I often fall into the mental trap of looking for beginnings or ends when it comes to living with addiction. Sometimes I despair and think, this is only the beginning of my sorrows.  I will have to live like this for the rest of my marriage.  Other times I think I'm at the end.  This will be the last slip.  Recovery is just around the bend.  Life will finally return to normal.
Both cases are not healthy ways for me to think.  In the first scenario, I get bogged down in how heavy this trial feels and I lose hope.  I despair to think about a life mired in addiction, yet, I don't want to up and leave behind all the goodness that still exists in my marriage and family life.  The second scenario where I think I'm at the end, backfires on me all too often because slips happen in recovery. It's so hard to feel my hopes come crashing down when another slip is disclosed. The higher my hopes, the harder I fall.
We all have different challenges and mine seems to be one of endurance.  I can't complain about how far in severity G's addiction has gone, but I do complain (often) about how long it's been going on.  If I count from the very first disclosure, it's been 6 years.  If I count from his relapse back into addiction, it's been a little over 3 years. Either way, I feel like I've been running a marathon and honestly, I'm tired. I really took Elder Uchtdorf's message to heart.  I can't control when my husband will heal.  I don't know the Lord's time table and as much as I want to, I just can't hurry this thing along. I think my best bet is to start assuming I am in the middle, and not worry about signs of beginning or end.  There is joy and meaning in the middle and if I look for it, I am sure I can find it. Here is some joy I found today,

• I confidently gave me husband a new boundary this afternoon and he agreed to it peacefully because he could see that it was something that I needed and it's intent is to protect me.  I felt in his reassuring smile that he loves me.  He wants to ease my pain and make this easier for me in anyway he can. 
• I had a nice long chat with my sponsor and got a glimpse of the big picture.
• We went on a family bike ride that included two adult bikes, one princess bike, a bike trailer, baby seat, and five helmets.  It took 20 minutes to get our crew and gear assembled, but we had a great time being together as a family. 

I'm not at the beginning or end, I am in the middle.  And I can be happy here. 

Want to Hang Out?

I started working the 12 steps a little over a year ago.  It's been so healing and helpful.  I have a wonderful sponsor and we talk often about my struggles, learning, and progress.  All of this has been awesome, but until recently my connection with other women has still been pretty small.  I live in a somewhat remote area, and there is no women's support group for pornography addiction. Finding you women on-line has been like a breath of air for me.  I love getting new ideas and perspectives and sharing thoughts on difficult times. It's made me realize how much I want a support group just like so many of you have.  And since step work is teaching me to advocate for my own needs I thought, why not start an online meeting?

Our "trial run" was last night and it went great.  I met with two other wonderful sisters and we shared our stories and our hopes for recovery via webcam from our own little corner's of the world.  It was sweet.

If you don't have a meeting in your area, why don't you join us?
If babysitting is an issue, you could come here.
If you want an extra meeting to attend, we'd love to have you. 


Here are the details. We'll meet each Thursday night at 7:30 west coast time. (The time is not set in stone, as we can try to accommodate others who might be on later time zones if there is interest/need.) We will read from the LDS church Family Support Manual for the first 15 minutes or so and then open the meeting for personal sharing.  I anticipate that the meeting will last around an hour and then after the meeting is closed with prayer those who want to stay online can chat for as long as they'd like.  I think it would be awesome for our virtual world to become a little more tangible.  I'd love for you all to see me and hear my voice and know that my story has a face to it.  A face that I'm cautious to share to the world, but more than happy to share with someone in a similar situation.

If you'd like to join in, please get in touch with me through a comment or email. I'll give you the specifics on how to get connected with the group.
marleehereatgmaildotcom

Analogy of the Car Trip

This past week has been tough.  Five slips in eight days. I’ve worked through the angst with step work, prayer, reaching out to friends, and many candid, intimate conversations with G.  After slip one and two, I hardly felt the effect.  I felt disappointed for him, but his admissions didn’t wreck me. Slip three was much more intense because in addition to acting out, he let me wonder about his wear abouts until 11:30 one night. Not cool.  Slip four I managed reasonably well, but five knocked me down cold. As I’ve been processing my emotions, I thought back to an analogy I came up with a while back to explain to G how I feel when things go bad like this.

 

I give you the analogy of the road trip. Upon marriage, two people get in a “car” together. Riding together is nice because it gets you places you’d both like to go, it make travel easier, faster and because it's fun to have someone to ride with. When G looks at pornography, it's like we have an accident. There is pain for both of us. He is driving and caused the accident, but we both feel the jolt of impact. After such an experience I am shell shocked, but I get back in the car because I still trust his driving. After all, accidents do happen. They are not intentional.  The names says it all, accidents. And G certainly isn't intending to hurt me. But then he starts to wreck the car frequently. It takes time to mend the wounds inflicted and soon I want to take over the wheel. If I can't drive the car, I can yell at him to slow down or pay attention. In my desperation to not be involved in more accidents I can start yelling pretty loudly. Classic back seat driver syndrome. After awhile pretty soon I don't want to be in the car anymore. I am tired of the pain of the impact and it seems silly to stay in a car with a driver who has repeatedly had accidents. They don't feel like "accidents" anymore, they feel like reckless driving. And while reckless driving isn't intentionally hurting someone, it is definitely putting anyone in the car at a huge risk. At this point I feel like I am clamoring to get out of the car but the possibility of standing on the side of the road without any vehicle is scary and also really undesirable. How will I get where I want to go? Walking alone is hard. What about my kids? Can't we all ride together? Most of the time I like driving with G. He may be a bad driver, but he is good company and I'm hoping he'll stop wrecking the car someday. We have the same destination and we are making progress, but slowly due to these many stops to repair our car and mend our wounds. I can't drive the car from the passenger seat, so I can only hope he'll take the time to learn how to drive the car safely.

At this point in my life, I’ve changed the analogy a bit.  Getting out of the car isn’t leaving my marriage, it’s just detaching.  This morning I told G I need to “get out of the car” for awhile.  30 days to be exact.  Our usual system of communication is that he tells me anytime he acts out and at the first opportunity.  I believe that he is true to his word and disclosing helps him to be accountable and bring darkness out to the light.  I love the closeness we share, the openness that allows to us help, support and love each other in the good and bad times.  I feel like I could go on forever like this, but my stumbling block of late is severe insomnia.  Two nights this week I have laid in bed awake, my mind spinning with potentials and fears.  My rational brain doesn’t  function at 2am and  I lose hours of sleep.  As a mom of three small children, I have to change something.  I asked G to not disclose any slips for the next 30 days.  I don’t know if I am doing the right thing.  Losing that layer of honesty could (and probably will) cause more acting out,  but I need to look out for myself.  He has a sponsor, he friends from two 12-step groups, and he has the Savior.  I am not leaving him alone and helpless. I hope to be in a better place myself in 30 days and we can resume our conversation.

PS It’s tough to admit I’m floundering like this, especially on the day my guest post appears over at Scabs and it’s written like ‘I got this thing all figured out’.  But I know if there is a group of women who understand about good days and bad, it’s you all.  Thanks for loving me no matter what.

I Need to Remember This...

Source: Humans of NY Blog, I couldn't find who said it.  Maybe the guy who runs the site?

I'm a Californian. I'm a Mom. I'm a Wife of a porn addict, and I'm a Mormon.

Last Easter I went on Mormon.org and started tinkering with my not yet published profile page.  Funny thing is, I couldn't get past the title.  The instructions say,

 

"This is a short intro about you. Here’s an example: 'I grew up in Kenya. I started a school for orphans. I’m a Mormon.' Just like that, short and sweet."

I couldn't find anything short and sweet.  I've got the standard Mormon features - I'm a wife.  I'm a mom. I teach Gospel Doctrine.  I've even got a few that set me apart (a little)  -- I teach piano, I blog, I love philanthropy. But I couldn't write about the thing that gives my life a pretty distinct color; the trial that frames all my experiences right now. My husband is a pornography addict. Call me crazy, but I don't think that would work well on a website dedicated to missionary work. 

I've been in this boat for about six years. There's been ups and downs and a lot of frustration. We've searched for solutions in so many places. I have prayed and prayed for this trial to be taken away. Most of the time I've suffered in silence, sharing only with my husband, who I'll refer to as G.   It's been a lonely road, but slowly along the way I've found resources to help and most importantly, other women to talk to!  About a month ago, I came across a online forum for LDS women dealing with the hurt of pornography. Through that site I found many wonderful blogs of women sharing their stories, hurts, triumphs and questions.  I've happily been following many of them and gaining the courage to start my own. I've struggled with knowing if I have something unique or helpful to share.  I worry that if I start blogging, I'll get prideful and write for the wrong reasons. (I've been known to get a little caught up in how many followers/comments I have on my family blog.) In the end I decided to go for it because the more I share my story, the easier this burden is to carry.  My friends at church may not know what I'm going through, but I can let my voice be heard in other appropriate arenas.  This blog will be one more step out of the darkness of addiction.

I've kept a journal on-line for the last few years, so initially my posts will be pulled from that journal and reworked into posts that can be shared anonymously. I have a several long posts telling my story in probably way too much detail for this audience, but I've been working to get it all written down for my daughters to read someday.  I pray they'll never have to face this trial, but I think they'll need to know this part of my life to fully understand me.  And so, if you are patient, I'll share them with you first. I've also got lots to say about working the 12 steps and how my life really changed when I stopped trying to fix my husband's problem and started working on my problems.  Till then dear reader.  (Do you mind if I call you that?)